feeling cheated

i'm the type of girl who likes to get emotional. i'm not particularly picky about what kind of emotion, as long as i get a pang of something. even when i get angriest or saddest, there's a detached part of me relishing the feeling from afar. after all, it means i'm not dead yet.

call me sentimental, melodramatic, exhibitionist, whatever. it's all true (which is probably why i can't get thru a non-fiction book to save my life--not enough emotion). maybe it's due to the fear of boredom characteristic of so many gen y'ers (b/c we're the generation that hasn't suffered, so we need something to fill the space created by the freedom*).**

Phew, ok. all this is to say that i'm not feeling much emotion at all in this goodbye to hk, even tho it's a huge life change. i don't want to go out blubbering, but it'd be nice to have the appropriate solemnity to gain at least a bit of closure. instead, i'm skipping out like i'm going on an extended vacation (which i am, yay new zealand), and my brain has totally missed the fact that i will not see a lot of these ppl ever again (thank god! JUST KIDDING. you see what i mean? still cracking jokes at the 11th hour).

but then again, maybe this is just another effect of globalization and the internet. or maybe this is uli's fault. he's the guy who has permanently left hk for about 6m now, and i still run into him every week or so b/c he's popped into town for some random errand (which, incidentally, is more often than i saw him before he left). thanks for robbing me of my cathartic goodbyes, uli. OR, maybe it's b/c hk is one of those cities that you never really leave. like neverland. it keeps a bit of your young adult self, and in return, it leaves something under your skin (pollution mainly). ok, now i've hit the sap. peace out brothas.

*maslow's hierarchy? also, can we claim that our formative unifying experience is terrorism? i think not. altho seeing those towers crumble on tv scooped out my insides with a spoon, the emotion was mainly voyeuristic and ephemeral. the only lasting change in MY life pre and post 9/11 is more inconvenient airport procedures (and of course, whatever damage 8 yrs of republican party schutzstaffel politics caused). no lasting fear and no lasting hunger = no formative experience. actually, given the constant bombardment of the sensationalist media, none of the classic boogeymen are capable of scaring me anymore; my crippling fear is of being left to deal with the paperwork when the dust settles. i am doomed to be worn down by the minutia. actually, is it a contradiction to be afraid of boredom? if you are afraid, then you are not bored, right?

**we are also the generation that rambles***

***and also the generation that likes to make broad generalizations based on limited personal experience****

****and b/c jon is technically a gen x'er, he is perfectly content to sit in front of a computer all day and be grungy while i'm pulling my hair out in a bout of ADD.