i went outside yesterday; it's overrated.

jon's neighborhood is riddled with foxes. not surprisingly, there are no rabbits. the foxes are a nuisance, just like the bluebells are a nuisance. they (the foxes, not the bluebells) scatter the shoes and gloves. they (the foxes) poo as they walk, leaving driblets along the sidewalk, in contrast to the doggy piles. i like the foxes as they slide along the night and squeeze thru the cracks.

i think there should be a singular to sheep that's different from sheep--maybe shoop. shoop. shoop de doop. shoop de doop de doop de doop.

these days leading up to xmas, i'm trying to figure myself out. i feel like someone pushed a pause button. everything takes too little and too much effort. everything is within reach, but i'm too lazy to reach. i'm afraid i'll fall into something haphazardly again, like i did with finance; only this time, i won't escape so easily. a narrow miss, that. the thought of finance for the rest of my life used to make me panic. what will i have done? but i didn't have the guts to deny the easy money. and now that i'm out...do i want to go back? how many more years can i do before i'm trapped? i don't want to define myself thus. how long before it starts shaping me. a variation on the theme: commitment fears, mortality fears.

but if finance is unworthy of me, then what else? and do i have a right to demand more? is all of this just laziness under the mantle of idealism? why should i get to pick and choose, why not be satisfied with my lot. it seems uniquely gen y to demand fulfillment from work, to be attached to our careers, and this reliance we have on institutions will surely only disappoint. ppl not so long ago used to go to jail for ideals like democracy. we are too jaded for that (what is democracy really? a big word. and the state. the state is just people, most of whom i probably wouldn't like--i've gotten snippety with age). and we've learned not to believe too much and not to stick our necks out too much. everything's gotten smaller. and now i'm completely off track.

i've been toying with the idea of a blue collar job. construction site. would i derive a zen satisfaction from it? but then, shouldn't i be able to derive the same satisfaction from say, really applying myself to something, anything, like drumming. or french.

scratch all of that. erika and i are going traveling since we're both destitute. hurrah!


homeland haunts

i've taken to wandering around aimlessly, and today took me to greenwich. on the way, a chinese woman crossed the street to ask me whether i spoke chinese. thinking she needed directions, i said un poco, and she said, well, do you read chinese? and i was like, um, is your map in chinese? she didn't have a map. she had chinese literature that she wanted to give someone...and at first i was sad that i didn't read chinese, b/c i thought maybe she meant journey to the west or something like that, and now i think she meant religious literature, in which case, oh well. do i look like a heathen or something? ppl are always trying to save me. maybe i should carry around some literature of my own. we could swap pamphlets, swing religions. mi dios es su dios?

greenwich market was disappointing. lots of little hippy trinket shops, overpriced and useless. i was hoping for more of a fruit and veg affair, but i did manage to buy a box of kung pao chicken. the man started off speaking chinese to me, so i responded in kind. he was very nice and even threw in free spring rolls, probably b/c he mistook me for a poor, hungry student (and b/c it was already 2pm and his business looked sparse). when he asked me whether winter break was soon, i didn't have the heart to disallusion him, so i said, well, for college, they've already started-- not really a lie--and made off double step with my food. why are my encounters with chinese ppl always so awkward? probably b/c i always have the urge to call them uncle, even though i'm now of an age where i can't.


in my spare time, i am:

  • eradicating my language (again) of unnecessary exclamation marks. they always sneak up on me.
  • applying for random jobs via craigslist (does this count as looking for work?)--and by jobs, i mean personals...(jk)
  • wishing i had the guts to ACTUALLY get a mohawk instead of this normal haircut (which i like, but isn't daring). the problem with punk haircuts is that they take too much product and time, and i just don't have enough F*CK YOU in me to shave my head completely (what if i have a lumpy skull?)
  • wrapping xmas gifts (YAY)
  • reading roald dahl books
  • dreaming of things i can do in my spare time
over the weekend, i played my first ever indoors tournament. it's a lot different than i expected. the courts are roughly the size of a basketball court, and there are walls about 1 foot outside of the boundary lines. my first game, i had a rough time finding the field...tons of my leading passes went bonking off walls. by the end of the tourney, i'd learned that it's all about blades. unfortunately, i didn't quite manage to unlearn my lesson at yesterday's iceni/iso practice. every huck i threw had a dramatic o/i curve to it. whoops, sorry girls. oh, and you know how i thought it was a mixed savage tourney? no such luck--it was an open savage tourney, and 1 of our 3 guys dropped out last minute so we had to replace him with a girl. at least the small courts meant that guys couldn't burn us deep that badly. i had a couple of hammers thrown over my head, but for the most part, i managed to keep up on d. i even managed to d 2 deep throws (as in, i got a hand on the disc).

sunday got a bit out of hand. we got pappadams, french bread, whipped cream, and pie tins from the local supermarket for carbo jousting. after our games, each team nominated 2 ppl, a horse and a knight. the knight, holding a pappadam shield and a french bread lance, would charge the opposition on the horse. the first time we tried it, i (having thrown the first turn) and jon (having dropped the first drop) were the knight and horse. both our pappadam and the opposition's broke, but we were declared the losers, and ended with cream pies in the face. and that's the story of why i spent the rest of the day smelling like babies. later, during duck duck goose, i slipped on a patch of wet floor and accidentally laid out into a bunch of bags and water bottles, earning me a nice purple bump on my thigh. like i said, indoors is nothing at all like normal ulty.

place names in england are plain silly.


the beginning

so, i guess y'all should know--i just got fired. beyond the initial shock, it's not so bad. not nearly as bad as nationals 2003 or not making nationals 2006. the closest previous experience i've had is being kicked off the cross country team my senior year of high school (i was really close to lettering, and the coach said i couldn't race with the team b/c i wasn't practicing enough with the team. um...hello? running is not a team sport. as long as i'm running every day, why should he care when i do it?).

anyways, the rejection stings a bit...but i know it's not in my control. i mean, it's not really a reflection on my performance. and i guess it doesn't hurt much b/c this thing was never mine to begin with. i fell into finance haphazardly, and now i've fallen out of it. the scary thing is: now i gotta figure out what to do with the rest of my life. i get all these resources from HR, and my manager has offered me tons of contacts to find another finance job (along with 6m severance pay tax free). but do i want to? for the first time in my life, i feel like i have the freedom to do whatever i want. go to culinary school? med school? law school? journalism? travel journalism? housewife? i could even go back to mit and get my m-eng (it's deferred indefinitely).

i was lucky to find that job. it took me to hk, allowed me to travel and eat and eat. and i met jon. too bad it ended before i got the frisbee house. maybe i'll be a carpenter and build it for yall anyways :-).

haha, and now i can finally add all my friends from work on facebook. sweet!

and get a motorcycle license!!!!!

and maybe a trihawk?


a collection of shorts

tonight is the equities xmas party, and it is supposed to get wild. they (as in, the MAN, as in, brady dougan) are firing a bunch of ppl next week, so this is our last chance to get something for nothing (even the stationary here is guarded by the group secretary--and next year, we, as in the lucky and industrious survivors of the next week cut, will have to pay 2lbs for our own daily diaries). if only i had practiced more in college, i would drink my bonus. as is, i will drink 1 shot of tequila (or equivalent), and sway wildly all the merry night.

and can i just say? i am glad the car unions are making concessions.

on my way to work yesterday, i slipped on a foot bridge and almost slide tackled a woman. luckily, she pulled up short, so i merely fell on my butt, no harm done to anyone. she was so shocked though that i ended up apologizing repeatedly to her.

can erika and alice pls let me into their blogs? i'm back from my hiatus now...