tip 1: sit in bed emailing all morning...give those fingers a good workout. you'll lose weight if you're too lazy to go downstairs to the kitchen.
tip 2: eat lots of different foods so they'll fight in your tummy and cancel each other out
tip 3: chew lots to get all the flavor out, then swallow. these actions use lots of face muscles.
tip 4: lift your fork/glass/spoon to your face multiple times before eating/drinking off it. it works better if you count aloud during this process. if this seems daunting, you can pump yourself up beforehand by muttering "5 reps per bite" under your breath beforehand. thrash wildly when the men in white coats come to take you away.
tip 5: eat sketchy foods and develop a stomach bug. diarrhea is the best weight loss medicine.